J Chronicles Part 3

 THE POST MONTHSARY DATE

January 23, 2010

The day after that forsaken 2nd monthsary…  The first two hours we are barely uttering a word with each other, I was still peeved at the events the day before, he was getting irritated at how I am acting.  The day seems like a complete and utter waste of time.

Then we started talking.  I actually came with a hungover &  still managed to drink a cup more of vodka before I came to see him… I was gonna tell him, I love him, but I am no longer happy.  And I actually did tell him that.  I wasn’t expecting him to beg for me to stay, or to even say he is sorry.  But surprisingly he did open up to me.  He even came clean about the little lies he told me before (which to be honest I already know of, thats why I find it hard to trust him).

It wasn’t just any talk, this is actually the first time I felt closest to him in the whole 2 months we were together.  It’s like getting to know him all over again.  And falling in love with him the 2nd time around… For the first time he seemed so vunerable, sweet even, it’s like seeing the guy I knew was there all along.  That’s probably why I hung on to our relationship despite the endless shit that we go through.

Jay and I are similar in a lot of way, yet in the ways where we differ, Boy, we are sooo different.  Being with him, is like being in a dysfunctional relationship.  We have a dysfunctional relationship, I know..  But I do love him, and as sick as it may sound, my life with utterly suck without him.  I do love him, probably more than I could ever show or tell him.  Maybe in some ways I am afraid to admit that to myself.. But the things I’ve endured will just speak for itself.  He doesn’t really know that though, i don’t think he thinks I’m even trying to save us.  But God knows how hard I am trying.

Were giving it one more shot, I hope things will get better.  It seems that finally it is.  I hope it does. 

I am with Jay because for once in my life, whatever he was to the world he became everything to me. When I look in his eyes, Iam traveling to the depths of his souls and I tried to say a million things without a trace of sound, I know that my own life is inevitably consumed within the beatings of  his heart. I love him for a million reasons; no paper would do it justice. It is a thing, a feeling, that I only felt. 

THE LOVE LETTER I GOT ON THE DAY OF MY 2ND MONTH WITH JAY

 

January 22, 2010, the day I’m supposed to be celebrating my 2nd month with Jay.  I did greet him for we were on the phone at the stroke of midnight, he flatly told me, he doesn’t celebrate month-saries, only anniversaries, but at the rate were going I think its important that we celebrate month-saries, because anniversaries might not even come.

Anyway, I wasn’t expecting for him to surprise me with flowers, a candle-lit dinner and chocolates… But I was expecting that he would atleast make an effort to make me feel special than usual, well atleast even on this day.  But he told me he is going to his friend JR’s “birthday party” in Tagaytay; needless to say I didn’t get a single SMS from him for the rest of the night. No phone call even, no nothing.  Guess he broke his promise again that he wont ever leave his phone.  He doesn’t wanna be disturbed, he never answers his phone when he is with me, I wonder if that’s the case now.  All I got from him was just the minimal text in the afternoon saying how he would be there with me the following day (which was ultra late in the afternoon).

I was feeling sooo rotten, I won’t even deny that.. Here comes a package for me… from South Africa! It was from Duncan, it contained a cd of the Parlotones and a letter from him.  The letter made me feel that somebody loves me, but its just not the boy that was supposed to love me on this special day.

Here’s the letter (or atleast what I could make out of it):

Hi Chiclet Darling Devilishly Gorgeous Lil Princess,

I can’t believe it, that I am actually writing to you and that you are going to see my untidy and terrible hand-writing.  So please forgive me Munchkin Pumpkin.

I wanted to get the Parlotones album – Radiocontrolled robot but everywhere was out of stock.  I hunted high and low and phoned around and went to like 4 different centres and everybody was sold out.

I wanted to let you hear the songs “Beautiful”, “Colorful” and also the one “Radio controlled robot”.  But “Beautiful & Colorful” I officially dedicate to you.  Because you are so beautiful & magical & you deserve to be adored.  You can check them out on YouTube & if you like them I send it to you.

On the album “A WORLD NEXT DOOR TO YOURS” Listen to the words of “Giant Mistake”, It sums our situation up perfectly.  I actually shed  a tear when I was driving looking for the other CD.

I ticked the songs that have special meaning for me.  But I like them all.

I bought you some chocolates.  I hope you like them.  I even bought you a special Cutey Pie, because that is what you are.  AN EXTRA SPECIAL AND PRECIOUS CUTEY LIL PIE.

Love You Madly    xoxxxoxxxxx

Your South African Boy Prince.

It was not a really long letter, its written in a simple paper, but it made me feel less alone.  So clutching the letter and the cd, I went to my room with a bottle of vodka and cigarettes.  I played the cd in my laptop and tried drowning my sorrows with vodka.  Unfortunately I kept forgetting that sorrow knows how to f*cking swim!  In my mind, I was wondering, ”How is it other people loves me, but the one who supposedly loves me doesn’t?”.  I felt my heartbreaking, not just in two, but I think it just turned into powder, that’s how broken I felt. 

Vodka, cigarettes, D’s letter and the Parlotones helped get me through my 2nd month-sary.   Thanks!

CAUTION

“J” Chronicles Part 2

THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS..

My brother had a poker party last Saturday, I invited Hazel and her partner Eliz to come; so Eliz can play poker with my brother and our other friends and Haze and I can go have some bonding time.

Everything was going pretty well. She was eager to ask questions about me and Jay.  Until he sent me a message that he is again going to his “Almanza friends”, Hazel quickly sensed the change in my mood, she claims my face says it all… “

You look like you are about to cry…”

“No, I’m not.. Its nothing really.”

He was already there the night before, and he is going there again… I have no problems with him having friends… but unlike when he is jut wth is LP friends, he would sometimes call or text me, or let me listen in to their converstations or singing; with his other friends, he wouldn’t even answer my text messages, and he never lets me know wher on bloody earth he is.. or if he even got home already.  And I would be waiting all hours only to find out that he has been home for hours, while I was waiting for him to come home till sunrise.. My very concered friend texted something to him.. and since my phone doesn’t store SENT text messages, I don’t know what she exactly said to hm… but that proded him to reply

“I WILL LEAVE MY PHONE, CONSIDER THAT IM DOING HER A FAVOR”

That drove me to the edge. And I started crying and she literally has to drag me out of the garage where everybody is playing so everybody won’t see me cry.  He made me a promise he would never leave his phone again, because it is driving me nuts… but he broke his promise.. That phone was like a security blanket for our relationship, he knows I’m having a hard time trusting… and with him breaking lil promises all the time that is not helping with my trust issues.  Needless to say he would keep doing what he wants regardless of how it would make me feel.  

“Stop crying na, Aren’t you tired of crying? You cry too much I can already see the path of your tears”.

Hence come the song I heard from Adam Lambert in the motown week of American Idol Season 8.  The Tracks of My Tears was written an sung by Smokey Robinson.  It’s about somebody who cried too much, that if you look closely at their faces that their tears have formed track marks on their faces.  I guess I might have track tears already, been crying almost everyday the past 2 months.  But once I leave my room I always have to put up a front that everything is damn ok… even if it tearing me apart inside.

I have here the lyrics and the song, click on the song title for free down load of Adam Lambert’s version of the song.

THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS

People say I’m the life of the party
Cause I make a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I’m blue

So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..

I need you, need you

Since you left me if you see me with somebody else
Seemed like I’m having fun
Although they might be cute
There’s just no substitute
Cause you’re the only one I want..

So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..

I need you, need you

Outside I’m masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown
Since you put me down
My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you..

So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile it looks out of place
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

“J” Chronicles

The past few days hasn’t been going too well for me. It feels like something strangely familiar is trying to creep its way in. No this isn’t one of those creepy horror movie scenarios.. But I can feel the new “in love” me, slowly shutting down, and needless to say I’m having sucha panic attack about it that I don’t think Xanax would help!

I can feel that we are drifting apart… He said maybe I was beginning to hate him or hate myself for what I was becoming… Hmm.. Maybe the latter one.. I barely know myself anymore, and I hate not knowing!!! That’s also probably why I can feel myself shutting down, the old me is still struggling to come out.. I’m not used to being suppressed or anything, and being in this relationship is kindda like being suppressed in a whole different level.

Like the online accounts issue… out of exasperation from me probably he gave me his “passwords” for his accounts, none of them work.. But he did get the email I sent him.. Weird!  It’s not that I’m playing dumb or naïve with him, but I just opted not to make a big deal about it and pretended that I’m tired of trying on password after password, because I feel like he isn’t really gonna give me his password, no guy in his right mind would do that… unless they want whatever relationship they have to crumble to the ground that instant. So I just gave up on it… Don’t get me wrong, his accounts are being accessed… not all the time but they are being accessed… there was a new comment, new friend being added, and my invites were sent weekes ago.. then how the hell is it that I’m the only one not being approved?!?!?!? It’s not rocket science to figure that out. So I just opted not to waste my time and energy trying, I’m just making a fool out of myself by doing that.

That kind of behavior actually scares me, because I know where thats coming from. My former self. And the moment I’m back to my old self that is like a point of no return for me. And I can feel it slowly creeping its way back in. It’s rather sad, to realize that he is just helping me go back to the way I am, rather than making sure I don’t ever go back to that. It’s not that he is deliberately helping, but the things he is doing is helping me to become  my old self faster, becoming the old me again, would make sure I wont get hurt, or even if I did, I will just simply will myself to move on and forget about that person, then go on through life making sure I never fall again. Jay call’s it falling and staying on the ground, I call it protecting myself.. Hey,  I only have but one life… and I maybe not Einstein, but I do know that I shouldn’t spend  my only life having relations with people who  do mostly nothing but hurt me.. and I think I’m smart enough to know when to bail or to stay (I hope!).

While we were on the phone last night he was texting his girl best friend, who urged him to go to Baguio with her for she will visit her man there, and said that he should join her, and stay in the adjacent room and bring his bitch along.. And he was quick to tell me she wasn’t referring to me.. All the more did that agitated me.. He said I was never his bitch, and that maybe his BFF said that because she wants him to find someone else. It hurt like a mothaf*cker!!! I swear!!! It was like being slapped on the face endlessly.. It took all of  myself control not to scream and hang up on him, that I only ended up whispering, “Maybe you should…” or was it “it’s not too late you know..”.. one of those 2. He was once again quick to say that what he said came out wrong.. But maybe that was exactly what she meant, for him to find somebody else, or for him to bring his bitch along (meaning me).. nevertheless both choices feels like a stab wound through my heart.

To make matters worse he was secretly peeved at me for yakking on the phone too long, because he was supposed to have an early morning class! The thing is he allowed me to yak on the phone with him… He never had a problem hanging up on me, or putting his foot down before, then now he’d go say I’m being selfish yada yada,and that he won’t be taking my phone calls when he has a freaking class the following day! I mean I know he is a smart guy, and that’s the best solution he could come up with? Not take my phone calls the night before? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME?!?!? That’s so unacceptable for me.. He was falling asleep or just not answering at the other line.. when I insisted that it’s not acceptable for me.

I said “you have to give me at least 10 mins of phone time.”
“Done.”
“Ok. Goodnight.”

Then we hung up, no I love you, no nothing. So much for being in love huh? And wanting to be in this relationship for the long run.. hmmm..

It oddly feels like business deal… And somebody did told me before that the way I deal with love is like going through a business deal… Nothing is ever personal, everything is just based on contracts and arrangements all in a professional level. And I just laughed my head off because whether I admit it or not, that is how I did handle my relationships before. Ain’t no shame in that though, I was hurt-free for a really long time when I was still practicing that. So no, I’m not even gonna try to deny that thats not how I am, however my life was turned upside down when Jay became a part of it, and that has supposedly have changed. There’s only one question in my mind now…

“Has the old me finally arrived?”

MAD and MAKE IT WORK…

These 2 Ne-yo songs are sooo right for me and Jay… I want to watch Ne-yo’s concert!!!    Anyway, I was supposed to change the words because Ne-yo’s a guy and I’m a girl… but in the fear of murdering the song I won’t do it… I will just send the edited version directly to jay… lol!  If you want to download these songs all you have to do is click the song title, and it will direct you to the download site. Enjoy!

 

 Mad

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh…
Oh oh oh…

She’s starin’ at me,
I’m sittin’, wonderin’ what she’s thinkin’.
Mmmmm
Nobody’s talkin’,
‘Cause talkin’ just turns into screamin’.
Ohhh…
And now is I’m yellin’ over her,
She’s yellin’ over me.
All that that means
Is neither of us is listening,
(And what’s even worse).
That we don’t even remember why were fighting.

So both of us are mad for…

Nothin’
(Fighting for).
Nothin’
(Crying for).
Nothin’
(Whoahhh).
But we won’t let it go for
Nothin’
(No not for)
Nothin’.
This should be nothin’ to a love like what we got.
Ohhh, baby…

I know sometimes
It’s gonna rain…
But baby, can we make up now
‘Cause I can’t sleep through the pain
(Cant sleep through the pain).

Girl, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me).
No, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me)
Ohhh no no no…

And it gets me upset, girl
When you’re constantly accusing.
(Askin’ questions like you’ve already known).
We’re fighting this war, baby
When both of us are losing.
(This ain’t the way that love is supposed to go).

Whoaaaaaaaaa…
[What happened to workin' it out].
We’ve fallen into this place
Where you ain’t backin’ down
And I ain’t backin’ down.

So what the hell do we do now…
It’s all for…

It’s all for Nothin’
(Fighting for).
Nothin’
(Crying for).
Nothin’
(Whoahhh).
But we won’t let it go for
Nothin’
(No not for)
Nothin’.
This should be nothin’ to a love like what we got.
Ohhh, baby…

I know sometimes
It’s gonna rain…
But baby, can we make up now
‘Cause I can’t sleep through the pain
(Cant sleep through the pain).

Girl, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me).
No, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me)
Ohhh no no no…

Oh baby this love ain’t gonna be perfect,
(Perfect, perfect, oh oh).
And just how good it’s gonna be.
We can fuss and we can fight
Long as everythings all right between us
Before we go to sleep.

Baby, we’re gonna be happy.

I know sometimes
It’s gonna rain…
But baby, can we make up now
‘Cause I can’t sleep through the pain
(Cant sleep through the pain).

Girl, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me).
No, I don’t wanna go to bed
(Mad at you),
And I don’t want you to go to bed
(Mad at me)
Ohhh no no no…

 

Make It Work

ooh uh ooh,ooh uh ooh yeah yeah
you understand me
at least you say you do
lately thats enough for me
looking for perfect
surrounded by artificial
you’re the closest thing to real i’ve seen

sure, everyone has their problems
thats a given
yours are the easiest to tolerate
this wasn’t what we was wanting
how we’re living
but let’s take this good enough and turn it to great
baby understand…

this can only be as good as we both make it
guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
we can be as happy as we want to be girl
but we gotta make it work
we gotta make it work…

ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh

sometimes i love you
more than you’ll ever know
other times you get on my nerves (hey)
that’s just reality
no, it can’t always be
kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

you was looking for your prince, ooh
what you found(what u found)

is a pauper with potential
and no, i’m nowhere near perfect..NO
but i’m around (but im around)
girl, time and patience is essential
baby realize…

this can only be as good as we both make it
guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
we can be as happy as we want to be girl
but we gotta make it work
we gotta make it work…

ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh

thick and thin, (ooh)
the bad outweighs the good sometimes
that doesn’t mean we’re ’spose to give it up
my problems are yours,and yours are mine

this can only be as good as we both make it
guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
we can be as happy as we want to be girl
but we gotta make it work
we gotta make it work…

ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh
we gotta make it work…
ay oh ay oh oh

My Thoughts On the Last Day of 2009

So it’s the 31st of December…  More than a month since Jay came into my life.. And I’d have to say it was a VERY tough couple of weeks for me.. With having to deal with being “in love” and the holiday rush, I found myself at the verge of an anxiety attack already (Good thing there’s Xanax!).

One would think that we might have worked some of our differences already, but to be honest with it… I think we’re getting worse… We now fight almost everyday (the only time we didn’t was on his birthday)… He feels smothered by me…  I feel neglected by him.. Quite hard to figure out, which is which, huh? 

Like any person, I added him in my list of social networks that he has an account with.  It’s been weeks now, I’ve seen that the accounts has been accessed but for some insane reason he hasn’t approved me yet… but still I still have pending “friend” request for him.  I feel bad actually… I don’t know if he isn’t adding me because there’s something he doesn’t want me to find out, or if he is ashamed that people will know he is dating me; or maybe both.  To be quite honest, I feel really hurt by this, because I am proud of him.. I even have the nerve to want to introduce him to my family and my closest friends; something I hardly do.  But it seems for him I should be a well-kept secret.. That just flat-out sucks! And there’s this feeling of insecurity inside me that is actually starting to eat me up slowly.  Am I not pretty? Do I pale in comparison to those girls he used to date? Is he afraid that other girls wouldn’t like him if they found out that I exist, and miss out on the opportunity to meet somebody else. Or maybe I’m not good enough to be going out with him.  I was never the insecure type, so this is a major thing for me!  I don’t like this feeling, because I used to love the way I am (and a lot of people does love me.. brat-zilla and all).  I don’t know what else I have to do to be good enough for him, or at least good be enough to be in his friend list.  This love thing is turning me into a sick puppy, literally!

I think I’ve been taken over by the spirits of those girls I used to make fun off, when I was still the old me (meaning the I’d-rather-stick-pins-in-my-eyes-than-fall-in-love girl I used to be). I never really understood why there are girls who constantly SMS their BFs, miscall the poor guy’s phone to no end until they get a reply to their SMS, their call answered , or get a phone unattended message, or whatever comes 1st from the three.  The social butterfly in me, never quite get it when girls who are out partying would still bother checking in on their BFs… Or if their BFs go out, they would check on them every 15-30mins like clock work until he hauls his ass home.  My ex-BFs usually thinks I don’t care enough for them because I hardly do those things.  So those girls are often a subject of ridicule from me and my other alpha-female friends, because we never quite get what they do what they do.. Well until now.

I know I’ve always been peeved by people who take forever to reply to SMS (ask my friend Hazel), because I don’t normally send text messages unless its important, I rarely send nonsense text and I have long ceased forwarding quotes (that’s sooo highschool!!!)… so it does tick me off if people takes so long to reply, or worse if they don’t reply.  But with Jay, I would find myself asking where he is, or what he is doing, etc.. the usual cutesy or nonsense stuff school boys and girls send to their “special someone”.. And with him not replying, it irks me out to no end… so comes the endless missed calls and the hate texts afterwards.  The very thing I vowed myself I won’t do, I’m now doing (and Hazel is making sure to give me a hard time about that happening!)! If he gets too irritated with me harassing him, he just flat-out ignores me.. (FUNBLOODYTASTIC!!!!) and doesn’t read my “hate” SMS (which I think has a lot to do why we are still together). Lolz! And for somebody who isn’t used or who wouldn’t even put up with being cast aside just like that, it is a very hard thing for me to deal with.  Seriously, I need a fucking Prozac or a tranquilizer of some sort, or I’m gonna lose it one of these days!!! (Great! Does being in love means I must have an endless supply of prescription drugs?!). But I do want us to stop fighting, and I do want to work things out.. so if that means I have to beg everyone in my family tree, not to mention my med friends for a freaking prescription.. If having him in my life meant I need endless supply of alcohol, pills and therapy.. I WILL DO IT THEN!!!! But then if  Xanax, Prozacs, or Valiums, and Vodka or red wine, would help make sure that I stay in love (and calm), Jay would probably dump my ass because being addicted is a no, no for him! (Or maybe he won’t dump me, but he’s gonna have me locked up at some rehab bootcamp or something! He doesn’t believe in having an easy way out.. meaning he prefers torture! Just Kidding!!!)

But honestly, I really do want things to work out between us… and I’m working my ass to the ground to achieve that… Although I have to admit I’m not really that successful with it, because we would still end up fighting.  And there we’re a few times that I really do want to give up, not because I don’t love him anymore, but because I am getting frustrated that I’m not able to make him as happy as I want him to be.  And I know I could be pretty selfish at times, and I’d be happiest if I could always get my way… But things are a bit different when it comes to Jay… His happiness is important me.. If  He would be happier without me in his life, so be it.. I couldn’t deny him his happiness, even if it meant I have to forego my own happiness.. I know that’s really weird to be coming from me, but hey I love him, so don’t judge me.. And I’d do most anything for him (though I don’t think he believes that). He was actually the highlight of my 2009, believe or not.

He did taught me a lot of things; whether He meant to or not… And I will forever be grateful that he came. 

Thank you 2009 for all the laughter, tears and love.  But I am hoping 2010 will be much better, not to mention kinder to me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! xoxo

I love you, I hate you

I’m very confused now… Maybe the most i have been since 2001.  You see I’ve met this guy, let’s just call him J. 

J isn’t my ideal guy (I’m sure as hell I’m not his either..).. He is moreno (dark), chinito, and he barely made my height requirement.. but he is attractive in his own way… In a very non-conventional way, I suppose.  The first time I talked to him J, he actually knew what to expect from me… a spoiled rotten brat.. needless to say he didn’t keep his promise, just so to piss me off… then eventually we got to talk…

The 1st time we talked, it felt really weird and nice, all at the same time.. he is smart (a rarity nowadays), funny (or so he thinks.. I was an easy target for teasing for him), and he is sweet (well when he wants to be..).. It was just like talking to my guy best friends, I was being myself, too comfortable I forgot to put my defenses up.

I am what others call a guarded individual (since 2001)… I don’t let anybody get too close.  If they are getting too close, I disappear just like that… I don’t like falling in love and tried my hardest to avoid it.  Actually I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding it, and at the same time creating a seemingly in love scenario for those im “in a relationship” with…  Avoiding it and creating it, gave me the control I needed to make sure I don’t ever get hurt.. No im not a freakin’ cyborg.. I mean I still get hurt.. but not in the earth-shattering-I-wanna-die kind of way..  I’ve been using my brain too much i forgot to use my heart… I am guarded because I am afraid that people could see right through me.. that’s why I hid under layers of humor, hostility and a forever busy social and dating life.

Back to J, since I inconveniently forgot to put up my defenses… I found myself in a really unfamiliar territory.. I started to think about him a lot, and we would be texting each other whenever we are not talking… Unless youre Hazel, you won’t be getting a text from me unless its important. It was getting really weird for me, and I had the nerve to think that maybe its just like that because we are bound to be BFFs.. talk about being clueless in a MAJOR way!

We continued to talk, and yeah, we continued to argue/fight etc.  We both have a strong personality, so it isn’t a surprise that we would tick each other off a lot.. He perceives me as a spoiled rotten brat… I thought he was an asshole.. Although we have the same wave length, intellectual wise, not to mention some similar characteristics and experiences (a bit freaky if you ask me)… we can have a very different take on certain things.. He is a self-proclaimed disciplinarian… brats and disciplinarians don’t really mix… this is often the cause of many arguments for us. 

But despite the love-hate thingie that we have, I found myself falling in love with him… Boy, did He turn my life upside down!!! I, became somebody I have long forgotten… that girl who is capable of crying, and getting hurt, and caring and loving despite being unsure of what the other feels for her. 

It took me nine years to feel this way again… and I’m not sure how I would be able to manage this one.. It is frustrating at times because no matter what I do… I think all he ever sees in me is a brat-inator.. But the thing is I am trying… but every time I tried to show concern or whatever he perceives it as something negative.

I told him I can’t change into somebody I’m not… He said he wouldn’t want me to.. But I think he does want me to change, at least to what he thinks I should be… I know he isn’t asking me to change, well not all at once… but eventually he would ask me to change, one at a time. I think he should let me color my life the way im supposed to, not to what he saw as fit, or what will make me more pleasing to his eyes. Trying not to become a brat, isn’t just like a switch that you can turn off or on… I’ve been a brat all my life, getting rid of it totally is like asking for rain in the Sahara… But I promised to keep working on it… the thing is He isn’t really helping much… He knows what ticks me off, and I told him what would help me… OPEN COMMUNICATION. I’m normally good at guessing games, but with him I hate having to guess… so I have asked him to just tell me.. so I don’t have to pester him about it… but every time he feels like not dealing with me, he just ignores me flat-out, and have me irked myself to no end… it’s hurting me… But I don’t think he is taking me seriously when I tell him that.. For him, I need somebody who will put me to my place… that maybe true; but it doesn’t have to be in harsh or cruel way..  its sad really, because for somebody who claims to care a lot for me, he has a very unique way of showing it.. Don’t get me wrong im not an overly sensitive chick, I can take a joke and I know how to take tough love… I believe in tough love… but this is more than tough love… it’s too tough, it’s almost cruel.

But I will not crumble down…  I’ll try to stick it out as much as I could.. even if it meant having to put up with his insane ways of “disciplining” me, even if it meant I have to get used to having tears in my eyes, and feeling like an idiot most of the times.  I’ve been trying to avoid this feeling for the past 9 yrs, now that it’s here again.. I just have to try my hardest.. Failure is not an option for me, it never was. So I will just try my best and see if he will somehow acknowledge them.  

He said I was a coward… maybe to him I am… But for somebody like me… admitting that I have fallen in love has to be one of the hardest and bravest things i had to do. When I was with him… I wondered if I was doomed to be forever in love and insignificantly hurt.  Everything I do, even if I meant well, always has a hint of negativity for him… If I was being concerned, I’m being a control freak; If I tell him how I feel, I was a freakin Drama Queen..  If I wanted to maximize the time I have with him, I was being an inconsiderate bitch for not caring if he is tired or something.. WTF?!?!?  I know I’m not always gonna be right… but always being wrong even if you have nice intentions is affecting my self-esteem.  And that’s a big deal for me, because I am very secure about myself.. (well used to be..).  I don’t know why he still keeps me around if I can never do anything right, or anything that pleases him..  

I don’t expect him to love me the same amount as much as I love him.  A little appreciation every now and then is good enough for me. I have no idea how I could make him see how much I feel for him, in a way that he wont think of as negative.  I tried to be sweet and give him an early Birthday gift… it turned out to be such a disaster.. that he would probably remember it as the worst gift given to him ever.. He didn’t have to tell me, it was all over his face.. Sometimes I would think, “Why bother trying, it’s not like he would notice..”. The thing is when I do things for him, it’s because I wanted to let him feel special, not because I just felt obliged to. I wanted him to know that there’s still a girl who could put up with his bullshit, his being a “meanie”, and tell her things he wouldn’t normally share with other people and not judge him and lastly still love him with all her heart. He always told me that what other people sees in him is what he only wants them to see, now is it also possible that his eyes only allows him to see what he wants to see?

I still have no idea how to show him how much I love him, without him misinterpreting it. I feel like an idiot crying and typing all at the same time. I have no idea, how long this will last. But I’m still here.. still trying to cope. Unsure of what the future holds for us. Right now, all I know is that I love him, despite and in spite of who he is.  Nevermind that he doesn’t feel the same way, or may never feel the same way  towards me. But I did give him my heart.  And whether he decides to give me chance to have his, I will be eternally grateful that He did came and shared a bit his life with me.

* I have a million other errands to do… so I have to end this… this is a rambling, so pls so not look for structure in this composition…

NOTHING LAST FOREVER

DN

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you & me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness gets us both

I tried & tried to let you know
I love you but I’m letting go
It may not last but I don’t know
Just don’t know

If you don’t know then you can’t care
& I show up up but you’re not there
But I’m waiting & you want to.
Still afraid that I will desert you.

Everyday with every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever but be honest, Babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A web that’s warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all it makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall aound my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won’t fall down while I’m asleep

If you don’t know then you can’t care
& I show up up but you’re not there
But I’m waiting & you want to.
Still afraid that I will desert you.

Everyday with every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever but be honest, Babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

But we have not hit the ground
Doesn’t mean we’re not still falling
I want so bad to pick you up
But you’re still too reluctant to accept my help

What a shame
I hope you find somewhere
To place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday with every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever but be honest, Babe
It hurts that it may be the only way

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