Daddy’s Dating Rules
Rule 1:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule 3:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4:
I’m sure! You’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”
Rule 6:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiti! ng for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle- aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule 10:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimet! er password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
9 Comments
November 27, 2007 at 7:33 am
the possible reason behind being hestiant to meet the folks =)
April 25, 2009 at 11:33 pm
you’ve been through all this… heck you & jackie are gonna getmarried this May already!!!!
December 15, 2007 at 6:20 pm
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
April 25, 2009 at 11:34 pm
you don’t have to agree with me dear… don’t worry
January 9, 2008 at 2:02 am
rules are meant to be broken, right?
April 25, 2009 at 11:35 pm
hahhaha!!! hell yeah! but you’ve already met my dad, and you’re still alive.. lolz! this is a majorly exaggerated thingie… thats why its a blog
October 9, 2008 at 10:47 am
hay cool but i brake some rules
October 25, 2008 at 6:55 am
With rules like that , i bet that your little girl will not get many dates.
You may be overly protective, but you have to in this day and age.
Your little girl must not appreciate your rules.
More dads should think like you do.
This one is a keeper
February 19, 2009 at 2:08 am
Alcid Forcier
Alcid4cr@msn.com
24.23.66.28 Submitted on 2008/10/25 at 6:55am
With rules like that , i bet that your little girl will not get many dates.
You may be overly protective, but you have to in this day and age.
Your little girl must not appreciate your rules.
More dads should think like you do.
This one is a keeper
-contrary to that I had tons of dates growing up until now, its bec I break the rules a lot… Almost every father is protective of their daughters, in the fear of KARMA i guess. And yeah you are right when I was younger I did not appreciate his rules, I think its stupid & absurd.. but now that I’m older, I realized that the rules have a point.. and maybe if I took time in understanding the rules instead of breaking them it might have lessened the heartaches i’ve had… but its all good… i just charged everything to experience.. thank you for taking time to read the crap here on my blog… sorry it took me such a long time to reply though